


I Think I Might Love Them Both

by JemTheKingOfSass



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Implied Relationships, M/M, first year after graduation, it's actually a foursome with Rin's mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 11:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12581340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemTheKingOfSass/pseuds/JemTheKingOfSass
Summary: Rin's thoughts tend to spiral out of control and he can't butterfly away from his own mind.Do they miss me?Do they think about me?Do they wish I wasn’t so far away?I wish they were here.I wish my goals didn’t interfere with me being with my friends.I think I might love them.I think I might love them both.I'm so lonely.





	I Think I Might Love Them Both

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first posted fanfic. I love Free! and I have been inspired by some amazing writing on this site. I mostly explored Rin because he's my absolute favorite. I have no idea how popular the idea of an OT3 is with people. I'm a Sharkbait fan but I feel like they could use Makoto to soften and fill in their gaps and edges. Personally I see Makoto being BFFs with RinxHaru, but I could easily see it moving to something beyond a platonic bromance as an OT3. That is what this delves into a little.

              Rin is dreading the next day. He still isn’t sure why Makoto called him to meet the second day of Rin's training holiday. Despite all parties moving past Rin’s admittedly rough second year of high school, he is still sometimes shocked at how accepting his old friends were to welcome him back into their fold. Even now that the older ones have progressed into their fledgling year of adulthood, Rin is still somewhat surprised when Haru or Makoto make efforts to reach out to him. And when Makoto gives no indication in what capacity he wants to talk to him, Rin begins to spiral into anxious thoughts that do him no good.

_What if Haru and Makoto have made so many friends at university they don’t need a long distance interloper?_

_What if they don’t need anyone from their past interfering in their new lives?_

_What if they have decided to finally approach each other for more than friendship?_

_Where will that leave me?_

              Rin shakes his head in disgust at his own inability to control his thoughts and insecurities. Years ago, he began down the hard and long path towards achieving his dream, this past year making the huge leap to international competition and training. He knows he is talented, he knows he is driven. He feels more at ease in his own skin than he has in years, he knows he can likely achieve the things he sets out to accomplish. Rin has complete faith in his professional and athletic future. What doesn’t come easily, he will reach out and take for himself. He enjoys hard work, it grounds him and pushes him to keep moving, keep going, keep striving.

              What Rin lacks is faith in himself as a person, outside the world of swimming and his career and his drive. He isn’t sure he will ever be a person people want to be around for anything more than a friendly race, a verbal exchange of pleasantries, a casual lay. It only bothers him when he thinks of his friends from Iwatobi.

_Do they miss me?_

_Do they think about me?_

_Do they wish I wasn’t so far away?_

_I wish my goals didn’t interfere with me being with my friends._

_I think I might love them._

_I think I might love them both._

_I’m so lonely._

~~~~~~~

              Rin awakens in the morning with a slight sense of dread. He did not sleep well last night, despite being back in his childhood home, in the bed that has provided endless nights of happy, restful sleep. Rin was kept awake by his spiraling mind. He spent the previous month in pleasant anticipation of his upcoming break, of seeing his friends again after his first year away. However, now that Makoto has reached out to him first, he is nervous that Makoto wants to talk.

_What can that mean?_

              Rin takes an extended shower, dresses quickly, and makes coffee to wake himself up and settle his nerves.

_What if Haru has moved on from our childish rivalry?_

_If Haru has lost interest, Makoto will have nothing left to do with me._

_Are Makoto and I friends without Haru? Were we ever?_

_There is no room for me in their lives anymore._

_Maybe there never really was._

_Did I imagine the comfort and companionship of our last year of high school?_

              Rin begins the long walk to Haru and Makoto’s neighborhood, hoping the chilly morning air and putting his body into motion will clear his mind and put him in a calm place by the time he gets over there. However, the hurricane that is Rin’s emotional state betrays his well-laid plans.

              By the time he reaches Makoto’s front door, his mind is turbulent, at best. With a shaking hand, he reaches forward to press the doorbell.

              “Rin!” A voice calls from above him.

              Startled, Rin looks up the stairs to the source of his name. There is Makoto, smiling like the sun and looking incredibly happy to see him.

              “Come on up, Haru and I can’t wait to talk with you and share some news.”

              Rin swallows his nerves and ascends the stairs towards the tall man at the top of the steps.

_I’m going to have to congratulate the happy couple._

_They are perfect for each other._

_But._

_What about me?_

_Where does that leave me?_

              He smirks at Makoto when he reaches the top. “Oi Makoto, keeping watch for my arrival? What, have you been pining away for Japan’s future Olympic gold medalist?”

              Makoto smiles indulgently as Rin stalks past him into Haru’s house.

~~~~~~~

              Rin looks at his phone. He realizes he has been laughing and catching up with Haru and Makoto for almost two hours and has not dwelled in his own mind for the entire time. He feels lighter than he’s felt in weeks, possibly months.

_This feels easy._

_This feels right._

_I belong here._

_I think I love them both._

_But._

_Why did Makoto call me and say we needed to talk?_

              Rin decides to voice this thought out loud, much to his own chagrin.

              “We miss you.” Haru voices from Rin’s left.

              “You miss me?” Rin sounds incredulous. “You are in the biggest city in the world! You both have university to get used to. You’ve probably met hundreds of new people in the last year. How could you possibly miss me?”

_More interesting people._

_Better people._

_People that-_

              ”-aren’t you, Rin.” Haru states in his no-nonsense manner.

              “What?” Rin got lost in his head and must have missed something important before he returned to the actual conversation.

              Makoto answers. “I don’t know about Haru, but yes I’ve met loads of people already. In the apartment building, in classes, at the swim school I’m volunteering at, at the grocery store. I keep reaching out to people, and easily finding companions, but not finding who I’m looking for.”

_So it’s not Haru._

_Who is he looking for?_

              “You aren’t easy to replace, Rin.” Haru interjects.

              Rin looks up to see blue eyes boring into his. He turns his head to find green eyes right in front of him.

_They were trying to replace me._

_Wait._

_They can’t replace me._

_I’m irreplaceable?_

_I’m irreplaceable to them?_

      “Tch. Clearly you aren’t looking under the right rocks.” Rin deflects the intensity of the comments, the stares, the weight of this conversation.

              “Rin-” Makoto begins, but Rin interrupts him before he can stop his mouth from vomiting out words.

              “If you guys were trying so hard to replace me, why did you call me over here to talk? Do you need a blessing to move on from being friends?”

_Stop talking._

              “This is the kind of thing Skype is good for, friend break-ups. Helps avoid the awkward pauses, ya know? Plus then you wouldn’t have had to come all the way back to Iwatobi and you could have kept up your new friend search without wasting any time.”

_Rin! Stop talking_ .

              All the weight has suddenly returned to Rin’s shoulders. He can feel it pressing down on him, crushing him. He needs to get back in the water, swim away from the heavy emotional blanket that he is under. If he swims fast enough, he can temporarily rid himself of it. He can escape.

              Rin rises out of his seat on the couch.

_Get moving._

_You don’t belong here_

_You aren’t good enough for them._

_You never were._

_Move._

              A hand reaches out and grabs Rin’s wrist.

              “Don’t go, Rin.” Haru speaks softly but forcefully.

              Rin looks at him like a rabbit caught in a searchlight.

              “Rin. Why would you think we were trying to find someone to take your place? There’s no one like you.” Makoto’s voice feels like a balm on Rin’s soul, easing the burn a little.

              “You have each other.” Rin stubbornly refuses to listen.

              “And neither of us is you.” Haru points out, with what looks to be a tiny smile.

_What are they saying?_

_I don’t know how to hear this._

              “Makoto, what is the news you needed to share? Isn’t that why I’m here in the first place?” Rin tries to get the conversation back on track, tries to return to the feeling of ease he had felt before. Both Haru and Makoto are special to him and he misses them already, even though they are all still together in one room.

_I miss them._

_I miss this._

_I’m so lonely._

_I’m so lonely without them._

_I love them both._

              “Oh!” Makoto laughs easily. “You will probably think this is crazy and you will make fun of us for being predictable. I can hear you now Rin, ‘a whole new city and you two finally fall for each other, you could have just saved some time and money and stayed in Iwatobi’, but I swear it took moving to-“

_Fall for each other?_

_I knew it._

_Haru and Makoto._

_Makoto and Haru._

_It’s always been them._

_They don’t need me._

_But._

_I love you both._

_Why am I still here?_

_I don’t belong here anymore._

_Did I ever?_

_Get moving._

              “You guys are together now? Like together-together?” Rin asks and he sees Haru and Makoto smile and nod back at him. “That is so great! It took you idiots long enough to figure that out.”

_Why not me?_

_Move._

              “Well, there was an issue we had to try and work out. No matter how hard we tried to avoid it, it kept popping up.” Makoto looks sheepish.

              “I don’t need to hear about your sexual issues, you guys.” Rin jokes with a leer, trying to hide his slowly crumbling interior.

_I love you._

_Why not me?_

              Haru rolls his eyes and sighs.

              “I told you he would be like this, Makoto.”

              “I know Haru, I don’t know how else to do this.”

              “Umm, Haru? Makoto? Why don’t you just spit it out. I’m pretty tough, I can handle whatever it is.” Rin says, impatient at whatever this news is, though at this point it will probably feel anticlimactic.

_I’m not tough._

_I feel like eggshells when I’m around you._

_Both of you._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_I’m so lonely._

              “Rin, we know you’re far away most of the time and training takes up your days and you travel constantly and you’re tired-” Makoto begins.

              “This is not news.” Rin blurts out sarcastically.

_Shut up, Rin._

              “Yes,” Makoto chuckles. “That’s not news at all is it? Well, Haru and I finally realized what our issue is, why we aren’t completely happy being together.”

              “You aren’t completely happy together? Now that  _is_  news, why the hell not? You guys are perfect together!” Rin shouts out. He looks mystified.

              Silence fills the room. Rin wonders if this relationship has already reached its apex and is now on the way down.

              “We need you too, Rin.” Haru states, brows knit together as he his gaze bores into Rin’s, like he’s trying to mentally shove that information into Rin’s brain.

_What?_

_What does that mean?_

              “What does that mean?” Rin asks, looking confused.

              “Haru means that we realized the two of us aren’t quite enough. There’s a shark-shaped hole where we should feel complete.” Makoto tries to explain, as Haru looks over with a frown at Makoto. Rin feels more confused.

_What the hell is a shark-shaped hole?_

              “What the hell is a shark-shaped hole, Makoto?” Rin can’t help himself.

              “We need you with us. We aren’t quite right as just a pair. It’s always been you, too. The three of us belong together. We want to do this with you.” Haru takes a breath after the longest string of words he has likely ever said in a row.

              “Rin,” Makoto begins. “Please leap with us. We know you’re busy and don’t have much time, but we’re hoping we can try and make this work somehow. Visits, phone calls, video chats, whatever. You live in constant motion; we want to be the arms that steady you when you need to be still. It’s you Rin, we both know it’s always also been you.”

              All Rin hears is a buzzing in his head. His own thoughts are being drowned out with the roaring of his own heartbeat.

              An extended silence fills Haru’s house.

              “Rin.” Haru says.

              Sometime during the conversational lull, Haru has moved to sit next to Makoto, now both directly in front of Rin. Rin looks up into two faces he knows so well and has thought about so frequently over the last year.

_I miss you both._

_I need you both._

_I love you both._

_I don’t have to be so lonely._

_I want this._

_I want you both._

_We can make this work._

_I love you._

              Rin somehow prevents this intense jumble of thoughts from leaving his head. He reaches forward to grasp one of Haru’s hands and one of Makoto’s.

              “Yes,” Rin replies calmly with a smile.

              All Rin hears in his head is the gentle lapping of water.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *hides face and peeks out* It is intimidating sharing something creative! Please leave comments if you liked this or have constructive criticism! I don't consider myself a writer but this just poured out one afternoon. I proofread myself so please let me know if I missed any errors!


End file.
